The Stuff

I guess I wasn’t the only person to endure the Transformers movie over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Spandex Justice has an excellent review of the Transformers movie, which is, without a doubt, a bad movie. Just read the review: it’s an entertaining read and may save you money if you were thinking about renting or buying the movie.

I was describing the general awfulness of the film to a friend, but I finished my remarks with “the special effects were good”. My friend correctly pointed out that if all you remember about a film are its special effects, then it isn’t a good film — at this point in time special effects are supposed to good, so good that you shouldn’t have to think twice about them. No special effects can fix bad writing, pathetic character development, and annoying actors.

Here’s a list of my demands after seeing this film:

1. Stephen Spielberg will never produce or direct a science fiction film again. Never. Ever. What a string of dogs: Deep Impact, AI, Men in Black II, Minority Report, War of the Worlds, Transformers; an average rating of 6.72 on the IMDB, which equals a D. The world has spoken: Stephen Spielberg makes D grade science fiction films.
2. Shia LaBeouf needs to shut the fuck up. The only way Spielberg can redeem himself after executive producing this film, would be to have a boulder crush Shia’s skull in the first 5 minutes of the new Indiana Jones movie.
3. No more “urban stereotypes” in films. Did Jazz the space robot grow up in the Cybertron ghetto? Can someone delete all copies of the new Chipmunks film before it is shown to children?
4. A ten year ban on hackers or hacking in films and TV.
5. Slow down the damn robots so I can enjoy the detail of the design, ’cause it isn’t like I’m enjoying the plot, or acting.