The Stuff

Here’s the last of my unpublished reviews for Legends Magazine (which has been on hiatus for some time now). These are legit reviews — the record company sent the zine CDs or DVDs, and Pan sent them to me and I reviewed them.

Laibach and Nitzer Ebb are catagorized as Industrial bands, and both hit their stride at the end of the 80s. They have dramatically different styles, both musically and in terms of stage presence, but they get lumped into the same genre because their fans wear black, and their music tends to be beat-heavy. Both bands are quite unique and not readily accessible by mainstream minds, but I’ve you’re curious head over to YouTube and look for their videos.

This is Laibach:

This is Nitzerebb:

Now if you’re not totally terrified, here’s the reviews….

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Don’t Go Near the Park

Dark Sky DVDs

Review for Legends Magazine by Dan Century

I avoid parks because they’re full of feculent junkies, obnoxious Vitamin Water swilling joggers, and bushels upon bushels of Canadian geese shit. After watching the classic Don’t Go Near the Park, I can add prehistoric magical vampire cannibals to my list. (more…)

The Human Factor

Dark Sky Films

Review written for Legends Magazine by Dan Century

The Human Factor stars Oscar-winning actor George Kennedy, well known for his performances in such iconic films as the Dirty Dozen, Cool Hand Luke, and the Naked Gun. George is a huge, formidable, beast of a man, with ham sized fists and the torso of an Ox, and yet he is a sensitive, caring man (just watch the DVD extras) with the golden hair of a cherub. He is the perfect choice to play a kind, gentle man, who once wronged, becomes hell bent on bloody revenge.
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The Beast Must Die

Dark Sky DVDs

Review written for Legends Magazine by Dan Century

Discovering obscure b-movies should be a top priority for all bored college students and slackers. Back in the day I would comb “Mom and Pop” video rental shops and horror conventions, armed with RE/Search’s Incredibly Strange Films book or issues of the Psychotronic zine, searching for the strangest, baddest, bloodiest, and kitschiest films. Today privately owned video stores are all but a thing of the past. Now finding weirdness can be as easy as pointing and clicking your way through Netflix, eBay or Amazon: like shooting fish in a barrel. I do miss the thrill of the hunting down obscure films in the real world, and the new experiences that came with that hunt: meeting new people in the flesh, discovering other films thanks to word of mouth, garish VHS box art and in-store film posters that shouted “I’m a weird film, please take me home”, finding new bars and restaurants, avoiding the cops, etc.

The Beast Must Die opens with a man being hunted by a small army of gun-toting white dudes on foot and in a helicopter, with another man watching them with hidden cameras and microphones. Soon revealed, millionaire big game hunter Tom Newcliff (actor Calvin Lockhart) was hunted by his own staff as practice for the ultimate hunt: the hunt for a werewolf. Tom has invited a cast of infamous people to his estate: several are associated with unsolved murders, one is known to have eaten human flesh, and another (actor Peter Cushing) is a scientist devoted to the study of werewolves and Rolok, a.k.a. the practice of tearing and eating human flesh. (more…)

The Devil’s Reign

Dark Sky DVDs

Review written for Legends Magazine by Dan Century

First let me start by breaking every-one’s heart: there’s no such thing as the Devil. Human beings are inherently evil, sneaky, lazy, greedy pieces of shit, and the Earth is a deadly place to live; the Devil is simply an excuse used to temper and justify the horrors we live with everyday, and an icon/tool used to control weak-mined people. That said, the fact that the Devil is as real as the Santa Claus doesn’t mean that a movie about the Devil wouldn’t be entertaining; the truth is a movie about the Devil can be very entertaining, especially when it’s casted with actors desperate to rejuvenate waning careers.

Before we consider the plot of The Devil’s Reign, it’s important to consider the wacky cast: William Tiberius Shatner, Ernest Borgnine, John “Staying Alive” Travolta and Eddie Albert. (more…)

A few of you might remember that I used to write reviews for the zine Legends Magazine. I met Pan, the founder and driving force behind the zine back in the late 90s when we both worked for a crazy PC manufacturer in Jersey. Pan invited me to start writing reviews after he read a review of a Rammstien concert I originally wrote and posted to Usenet. Long story short, Legends is on hiatus now, but I had a few unpublished reviews I did for the zine, and I’m going to publish them on this blog for now. Wikipedia page for Legends Magazine. Pan currently plays bass for Bitter Grace, who rock Manhattan on a frequent basis.

The first review I’ll post is for the Jersey City band Flaming Fire, who I actually like.

Review: Flaming Fire’s When the High Bell Rings

“And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies: and if any man will hurt them, he must in this manner be killed.” Revelation 11:5

The Apocalypse can’t be too far off — just look at the news: war (Iraq), genocide (Darfur), “super fires” (California), drought (southern U.S.), sickness and unbridled greed (just look at all the chubby monkeys at Wal*Mart). I’m glad that Flaming Fire is around today because the end of the world needs a soundtrack and they can deliver it. You might expect a death metal band to be the harbinger of the end of days, but you would be mistaken. Metal might be brutal and awesome, but which is more ominous: a bunch of fatsos in gray t-shirts, OR a band in bright, venous-red costumes led by a lead singer who looks like an evangelist werewolf? Flaming Fire live in Jersey City; do you know what a hardcore, crime riddled, corrupt cesspool Jersey City is? The Red/Tube Bar tapes came from Jersey City! Two dudes I know where mugged in Jersey City in the past couple of weeks. The mayor of Jersey city was photographed drunk and naked on his front porch, and still won the election — that is hard core! Where does metal come from? Soft hippie enclaves like San Francisco and Austin? Mid-west towns with nothing going on besides Costco and Applebees? What’s my point? Flaming Fire is the only band that deserves a place on the main stage of the Apocalypse!
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