The Stuff

Online Videos by Veoh.com

Life gives you $4.30 gas, make $4.30 gasade. Just kidding, don’t drink gasoline.

Gas prices are high because the dollar is weak.

Ready to rescue America from a recession? Ready to stimulatize the economy?

How will you spend your free $600 from the government (borrowed from China)?

Here’s how I think you should spend yours:

1. Use it to lower your massive and embarrassing credit card debt — sort of like throwing a pickle into a volcano. Wait…
2. 6 weeks of gas for your galaxy-sized vehicle.
3. Use it to increase China’s ability to lend us money by giving it back to them via the money laundering organization known as Wal*Mart.
4. Spend it on your kids — they’re going to have to pay for it eventually anyway, so it’s like they spent it themselves with your loving guidance. By the way, your kids would like 2 Wiis, an iPhone or $600 dollars worth of Slurpees and M&Ms.
5. Havin’ a trunk full of coke and a back seat full of hookers. Sorry — that’s the best thing about being a cop, and not how you should spend $600. Sorry — I stole that from Reno 911.
6. Go totally ape-shit on a shopping spree at Best Buy — over-spend by $3000 — have even more debt than before (but a sweet TV and laptop to show for it).
7. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (except for herpes). Your $600 will stay in Vegas and/or Valtrex.
8. Get a tattoo of Taz shooting tribal lightning bolts. Hey, some classics never go out of style.
9. Buy a month worth of food! Wait… that isn’t funny because that’s how much food really costs… Next…
10. Spend it on decorations for the big party to celebrate the rapture, which according to our calculations will happen early 2009.

Feed the Pig (as in “feed your piggy bank” not “feed yourself delicious Hot Pockets and gooey fudge”) is a useful website that gives you advice on saving money and reducing debt: two areas most Americans need advice on. Check it out!

And by the way, these are my tips for saving money:

1. Attach a sail to your Lincoln Navigator to save on fuel costs
2. 7 DVD players are really too much for one mini-van: 4 is more than enough
3. If you eat 5 Snickers bars and a Cola ($6.00) instead of going out for lunch ($10.00+) every day, just think of all the money you’ll save by the end of the year
4. 26 new Alienware PCs is more than enough for a Beowulf cluster — no need to finance number 27, no matter how cool the red neon appointments are
5. In the 80s coffee cost 10 cents, now it costs $4.50. Limit your consumption to 5 cups a day. (Originally I was going to say “Save money by not tipping” but people who make minimum wage are usually humorless and violent and I didn’t want my home to be firebombed)
6. A good prostitute costs any where from $200 and up. Why not date someone and get the sex for the price of a monthly trip to the Olive Garden?

If Jesus was alive today the first thing he would do is get a crew cut, shave his beard, and buy suit and a Hummer with a snow plow in the front and push the liberals back into Canada where they belong. Nah, I’ve read the bible, and I don’t think he would do that. What he might do is join Reverend Billy and the Church of Stop Shopping in their crusade against consumerism. Morgan Spurlock, the guy who made Supersize Me, has a new documentary about Rev Billy that looks like it’s worth seeing.

Here is the trailer for What Would Jesus Buy.

Sadly, it will probably only play New York and LA, and the people who really need to see it never will.

Me: I’m a Christmas junkie, and while I have no debt, and no mortgage or fancy car, I do own an egregious amount of DVDs.

The site Missing Money lets you search for money that you are owed by the state, or banks, or other entities. No one owes me money, but it looks like friends and family are owed some cash (I couldn’t help but intrude into your lives). Try it — and don’t forget to try your old addresses as well.

I found the link on the State of New Jersey Unclaimed Property website, so it’s likely legit.