Film Review: Don’t Go Near the Park
Don’t Go Near the Park
Dark Sky DVDs
Review for Legends Magazine by Dan Century
I avoid parks because they’re full of feculent junkies, obnoxious Vitamin Water swilling joggers, and bushels upon bushels of Canadian geese shit. After watching the classic Don’t Go Near the Park, I can add prehistoric magical vampire cannibals to my list.
Imagine this scenario: you’ve managed to enrage your Mom. Would she take away your allowance, take away your Nintendo Wii, or maybe kick your sorry 35 year old ass out of the house? Not if your Mom is some kind of prehistoric cave woman wizard; in that case she would curse you to live for 12,000 years in a park in Los Angeles, California, forced to devour the intestines of teenagers for nourishment, waiting for some stars to align so you can redeem yourself and end your torment. What a spiteful bitch! In Don’t Go Near the Park a brother and sister do just that: piss off their magical bitch mother, and end up having to eat teenagers from the Ice Age to the Cold War. Eventually stars align, Regan is elected, Van Halen releases their third album, and the brother finds a hot chick to impregnate to form a child who is the key to breaking the spell… eh, that’s too much plot for me. The reason why you need to see this film is the old-school, hot, sticky, candy-red gore, and the nudity. Don’t Go Near the Park features female nudity in the first 12 minutes of the film; famous scream queen Linnea Quigley’s first starring role. Gore and nudity – like peanut butter and jelly – perfect together. The blood flows so red that it almost looks orange; in scenes when the leads are eating out their victims intestines, it looks like they’re eating a massive bowl of Kluck-U buffalo chicken wings drenched in a gallon of atomic hot sauce.
The bonus footage is a must for Linnea Quigley fans as it includes both her commentary as well as outtakes with full frontal nudity. Full frontal nudity 1980’s style. There’s also gore outtakes as well as a photo gallery. This is the intact U.S. theatrical release – no cuts – just all the savory gore goodness you crave. Don’t Go Near the Park was one of 30 films banned by the UK courts as depraved; considering that the UK burdened the world with the horror that is Simon Cowell (American Idol) and the Spice Girls, well, you know this films got to be pretty sick for the UK to banish it from their theaters.
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