The Stuff

Ready to rescue America from a recession? Ready to stimulatize the economy?

How will you spend your free $600 from the government (borrowed from China)?

Here’s how I think you should spend yours:

1. Use it to lower your massive and embarrassing credit card debt — sort of like throwing a pickle into a volcano. Wait…
2. 6 weeks of gas for your galaxy-sized vehicle.
3. Use it to increase China’s ability to lend us money by giving it back to them via the money laundering organization known as Wal*Mart.
4. Spend it on your kids — they’re going to have to pay for it eventually anyway, so it’s like they spent it themselves with your loving guidance. By the way, your kids would like 2 Wiis, an iPhone or $600 dollars worth of Slurpees and M&Ms.
5. Havin’ a trunk full of coke and a back seat full of hookers. Sorry — that’s the best thing about being a cop, and not how you should spend $600. Sorry — I stole that from Reno 911.
6. Go totally ape-shit on a shopping spree at Best Buy — over-spend by $3000 — have even more debt than before (but a sweet TV and laptop to show for it).
7. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (except for herpes). Your $600 will stay in Vegas and/or Valtrex.
8. Get a tattoo of Taz shooting tribal lightning bolts. Hey, some classics never go out of style.
9. Buy a month worth of food! Wait… that isn’t funny because that’s how much food really costs… Next…
10. Spend it on decorations for the big party to celebrate the rapture, which according to our calculations will happen early 2009.